22 Ways That Your Jewish Friends Bless You…

1. This is a blessing, and means good health to your belly button, but the general meaning is that your whole system should stay healthy and be in good shape. It’s a colorful, preposterous way of making a profound point: Because your life started with your belly button, it’s the center of your entire being.
2. To wish health to your belly button has a lot of meaning because Jews are always concerned about good health. When a Jew says “goodbye,” he never just says “goodbye,” but also wishes gezunt, which is health, and that you should be strong and able to plant trees, to put up buildings, to cross streets faster than anybody, to sit longer, to climb higher, and to dance better.
3. You can’t walk away from a Jew you’ve met on the street without listening to blessings upon blessings. Even if you’ve visited someone in his home for ten seconds, the blessings take an hour and a half.
4. They will follow you out the door blessing you: “And God should give you more pillows, more quilts, more salt shakers, more sodium, more carbohydrates."
5. " God should give you more chairs, more tables, you should have more furniture to sit on, more food to eat, more forks to eat with, more feet to walk on, more places to go, more people to see…..”
6. Jews have to protect each other from common problems as well as things nobody ever even heard of; “You shouldn’t know from unhappiness, you shouldn’t know from sadness. And even if you’re hurt you shouldn’t feel pain. And if you feel the pain it should go away in a second. "
7. "If somebody calls you names, you shouldn’t hear."
8. You shouldn’t know from strong winds, from loud voices, from noisy rooms, from hysterical wives, from fat cockroaches, from slow trains, from jumpy elevators."
9. You shouldn’t know from anybody grabbing you, from anybody robbing you, from anybody chasing you, from anybody cursing you, from people screaming at you, from people looking at you"
10. “You should never know from a bad toenail, from a bad tooth, from an earache, from a dirty finger, from a transplanted kidney, from tight shoes.
11. “You should only know from the best butcher, the best plumber, the best dentist, the best foot doctor.
12. In case you walk to the store you should never know from swollen feet. In case you have to buy something you should never have trouble with your credit card. You should never know from a bad heart, and only your enemies should suffer from heartburn. You should never know from congestion. You should never suffer from irritation or constipation. You should never leave the house without Maalox.
13. “You should always have love in your heart, goodness in your soul, and you should only know from kindness, from love, from sex appeal.
14. “You should always have the best pound cake, you should never have static on you television set."
15. "The goodness of life should always be in your house. You rich relatives should always know who you are, and your poor relatives should never be able to find you.”
16. All of this comes when you belly button is healthy.
17. When an Italian says goodbye, he wished you only one thing — a long life. It’s not like a Jew who is worried about your total well-being. An Italian is concerned that you’re going to die not from bad health but from somebody killing you. That’s why he always ask, “Is anybody bothering you?’ He’s going to protect you. You’re not in jeopardy of just losing your health, you might also lose your life, or at least get your legs broken. So the Italian is always offering protection, and the protection is usually from himself because he hates it if somebody else would break your legs.
18. Jews don’t offer you protection from people, they offer you protection from God. Jews deal only with God; that’s how Jews are different from other people. Jews convince themselves that if you can get God on your side, then you have nothing to worry about.
19. They say, “God should protect you. God should give you health and happiness. May God be with you.” They always start with God.
20. “May God watch over you. May God help you climb the stairs. May God let you get proper rest.” They’re always trying to protect you from the wrath of God, not protecting you from the wrath of another human being.
21.  Jews are always telling you in their blessing how long to live. Every Jew tells you you should live to be 120. But there’s always a Jew who says you can live to 150. Some other Jew tops that. He says, “You should live forever. You should never die. Everybody else should drop dead except you.” It’s always $3,000 worth of blessings for every two-cents worth of conversation.
22.  I never saw a gentile wish you good health and strength and happiness for three hours. Gentiles say, “I’ll see you.” Or, “So long.” Or, “Best of luck to you.” “Same to you.” The best of luck is the most a gentile ever offers you. As for children and grandchildren, gentiles just wish each other luck. When a gentile says “Good luck,” he thinks he includes everything and the case is closed. But a Jew is always wishing luck on the children and grandchildren and the great-grandchildren. They don’t care of they have these children or not. They’re wishing you luck just in case you have them, in case you know anybody else who has them…

From the outstanding website, "Talking Jewish" 

Share This