Well, my girlfriend Fiona Zimmel has been following my journey through Colonic Cleanse City and she finds it hilarious. I haven’t had much sympathy from her because having two young sons, she spends most of her days changing diapers and having to dispose of the stuff.
She does like to rub it in though, and this is her latest contribution to our detox -the-bowel-mission. I’m thinking that one of Fi’s guy friends helped her with this one. Moms, you are going to relate to this one!
1. THE GHOST POOP - The kind where you feel poop come out, see poop on the toilet >>>>paper,but there’s no poop in the bowl.
2. THE CLEAN POOP
>> The kind where you feel poop come out, see poop in the bowl, but there’s
>> no poop on the toilet paper.
3. THE WET POOP
>> You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
>> putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t
>> ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
4. THE SECOND WAVE POOP
>> This happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees,
>> and you suddenly realize you have to poop some more.
5. THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOP
>> Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poop".
>> You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
6. THE CORN POOP
>> No explanation necessary.
7. THE LINCOLN LOG POOP
>> The kind of poop that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down
>> without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
8. THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POOP
>> The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
>> It’s most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
>> toilet bowl after you flush.
9. THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOP" POOP-
>> The kind where you want to poop, but even after straining your guts out,
>> all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
10. THE WET CHEEKS POOP
>> Also known as the "Power Dump". That’s the kind that comes out of your
>> ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
11. THE LIQUID POOP
>> That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
>> splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
>> chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
12. THE MEXICAN FOOD POOP
>> A class all its own.
13. THE CROWD PLEASER
>> This poop is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
>> show it to someone before flushing.
14. THE MOOD ENHANCER
>> This poop occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
>> allowing you to be your old self again.
15. THE RITUAL
>> This poop occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
>> the aid of a newspaper.
16. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOP
>> A poop so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
17. THE AFTERSHOCK POOP
>> This poop has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
>> within the next 7 hours is affected.
18. THE "HONEYMOON’S OVER" POOP
>> This is any poop created in the presence of another person.
19. THE FLOATER
>> Characterized by its floatability, this poop has been known to
>> resurface after many flushings.
20. THE PHANTOM POOP
>> This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
>> putting it there.
21. THE PEEK-A-BOO POOP
>> Now you see it, now you don’t. This poop is playing games with
>> you. Requires patience and muscle control.
22. THE BOMBSHELL
>> A poop that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
>> inappropriate to poop (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
>> are nowhere near pooping facilities.
BONUS POOPS
23. THE SNAKE CHARMER
>> A long skinny poop which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
>> position - usually harmless.
24. THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOP
>> This poop may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
>> woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
25. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOP
>> An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
>> God when you actually CAN’T poop..
26. PREMEDITATED POOP.
>> Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.
27. SHITZOPHRENIA
>> Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
28. THE "I THINK I’M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY RECTUM" POOP
>> Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poops. The shape and size
>> of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
>> the rectum for some time afterwards.
29. THE PORRIDGE POOP
>> The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
>> have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
>> your butt while you sit there helpless.
30. THE "I’M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOP
>> When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
>> rectum on the way out in the morning.
31. THE "I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOP
>> Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
>> off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.
Thanks to Fiona for sharing that fascinating info with us.And I bet you’ll gather some fans at the drnatura.com website! Oh, and Fi, hubby says you really know your shit!!
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