UPDATE:  WE ARE NOT AMUSED!

After 3 months of religious routine, swallowing large amounts of various natural pills, drinking natural fibre and drinking gallons of water, hubby and I have actually put on 5 pounds each!  Despite the symphony of gaseous expression throughout the day and night, we have yet to see any of the disgusting matter that is shown so graphically on the Dr.Natura website.  A word of advice: DON’T WASTE  YOUR HARD EARNED CASH!

[WARNING:  Unless you to go the drnatura website and read the testimonials, you are most likely to think that I have lost my marbles.  So please, read with abandon and then visit the website to see over 1000 testimonials where people actually do write, in great detail, about their daily trips to the Loo and the amazing improvements in their health.]

Dollz, if someone would have informed me a year ago that I would be writing about BMs (Bowel Movements) on a public platform such as this Blog, I would have just PLATZED! (Yiddish for "passed out"!)

However, given that I now belong to an age-group and culture where Chronic Constipation, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Colon Cancer and other dysfunctions of the nether regions abound, I felt compelled to be brave and take responsibility for my own dysfunction in this regard.  After almost a year of research and interviews, I agreed that by the time we are in our late 30s, we have accumulated decades of mucoidal plaque in our colon and that this trapped toxins and prevented healthy and regular elimination of the nasty waste by-products, as well as absorption of essential nutrients.  I concurred that surely the side effects of this toxic build-up were sluggishness, excess weight, water retention, constipation and too many others to mention.  After reading and researching more than a 1000 testimonials from people who did the Colonix and ToxinOut Cleanses, I knew that I would be foolish not to try it.  In fact, I owed it to myself and my body.

So, here it is, my daily/weekly/monthly journal of the effects of these two products on my system and in my life.  I am quite sure that it is going to be a fascinating experience all around as the chocolate hostages are released and I pen my journey to outstanding health!

(1)DAY ONE - Thursday, May 15, 2008: 

The COLONIX arrived late in the afternoon.  I got home and examined the instructions very carefully and took note that it is vital, throughout the 3 month cleanse, to drink eight 8oz glasses of pure or filtered water throughout the day.   
I also noticed that I could expect between 1 and 3 bowel movements in the morning after arising, so it is quite a good idea to be near a toilette at these times!  You don’t want to be walking along the Valley Trail when all-of-a-sudden you know you have to GO! 
I steeped the herbal laxative tea for 1 minute and then drank it.  It was very refreshing and pleasant.
I slept quite well and did not notice any cramping.

(2) DAY TWO - Friday, May 16, 2008

I awoke and took the two Paranil capsules which contain the natural herbal compound designed to eliminate parasites from the colon - (Yes Dears, you have them too!  Check out the website below!)
I waited 15 minutes as instructed.
Thereafter, I prepared the natural Fibre powder with 100% pure organic fruit juice as the taste of the fibre is bland. 
I drank it all quickly, as advised.
Thereafter, I drank two 8 0z glasses of water.
I then felt an urge to visit the "elimination chamber"/bathroom/powder room/bog/toilette or whatever you choose to call your place of purging.
Easy BM, no struggle and a great relief after almost a week of constipation.  Lovely!
Drank my quote of water throughout the day and looked forward to the super herbal tea at bedtime. 
I slept through the night and felt rested in the morning - a small miracle.

(3) DAY THREE - Saturday, May 17, 2008

Took the 2 Paranil tabs, waited 15 mins and then drank the fibre mix with pure fruit juice.
I really am beginning to enjoy the fibre drink.  It is tasty and filling and almost immediately after I drink it with the one or two cups of pure water, I need to visit the Ladie’s room.
(Did I mention that my darling Hubbie is doing this WITH ME! And because he has such a wicked sense of humour, I’m usually bent over double in the kitchen, roaring with laughter while I am preparing our fruit juice/fibre drink.)
I am very pleased that Hubbie loves the tea and the fibre drink and I must admit, this is far more exciting and reassuring when you do it as a team.
I had two good BMs in the morning and I remembered from the over 1000 testimonials on the website, that it is quite normal to expect between 1 and 3 BMs from the time you awaken until lunch time.  This makes it easier to organize your day:  in other words - be near a toilette for those first few hours if you possibly can.
Drank our 8 glasses of water and told all of our friends about our new adventure - Toilet Tribulations, Colon Classics and other names abounded.
We spent the day as a family around the swimming pool with friends, dogs, cats and babies and had a wonderful time.  I swam without any problems and really enjoyed myself.  So did Hubby.
Took my tea at bedtime and slept quite well again.

(4) DAY FOUR - Sunday, May 18, 2008

Did the morning routine with Hubby and had 2 BMs.  Nothing unusual.  We are still waiting in anticipation of any alien-like creatures as has been reported on the website and we are both still in a state of shock to think that we have been walking around and living with parasites in our guts for so many years.  No wonder the world is in such dissaray!
Spent another day around the pool, enjoying the sunshine, the water and a fantastic bar-b-que that Hubby and friends prepared for us.
Drank our tea before bed.  I had two cups -  it is so comforting!

(5) DAY FIVE - Monday, May 19, 2008

Ooh-la-la:  the chocolate hostages are now appearing in camouflage!  BMS that previously were of what I perceived to be of a "normal" palette are now entering the world in distinct shades of black, dark brown and green.
If I hadn’t prepared myself by reading all of the testimonials, I would be a little perplexed.  However, I expect even more colour changes over the coming weeks as the mucoidal plaque that has attached itself to the colon walls begins to be expelled.
Hubby and I are definitely going to hold a party after all of this drama, I assure you!
Hubby’s BMs are more frequent, but nothing unusual to report as yet.  Today he told me that if we were back in South Africa he would feel better about this colon cleanse because he could at least shoot anything "suspect" that appears in the Throne. 
I have now placed two elegant ceramic aromatherapy oil burners in both of our bathrooms in order to zap the ungodly odours that accompany this cleansing goodie! 
Last night, when friends were over for dinner, they commented on the lovely perfume in our home.  It’s amazing what lavendar oil can do!
I had two girlfriends call me with questions for updates on the cleanse and Hubby had his friend from Vancouver call and ask the same questions.  Our friends are very interested because they too have read the testimonials, are anxious to try the cleanse but want to see if we survive first.
Tonight I had a BM, just after dinner, and I felt as light as a feather afterwards. 
I am amazed, mostly at the fact that I feel the need to share this information.  But I do so because I am convinced that this colonic cleanse is the cure-all for many ailments that have been misdiagnosed and I can’t stand to think that we’re all walking around oblivious to the nasty creatures living in our bowels and the toxins that have built up in our systems. 
Both Hubby and I feel that once we have completed the 3 month cleanse we will gift our parents with the same program so that they will be much healthier and happier.
Time will tell, so please stay tuned for further stunning information and updates! 

(6)   DAY SIX - Tuesday, May 20, 2008

For the first time in a very long while, I slept peacefully, without tossing and turning through the night.
I followed our usual routine and although "things"  feel very strange and bloated, nothing outstanding to report.
Let us see what tomorrow holds in store for us!

(7)   DAY SEVEN - Wednesday, May 21, 2008

It feels as if I swallowed a beach ball.  I wonder, if I swallowed two, would I resemble Pamela Anderson?
No UFOs to report (Unidentified Floating Objects)
Lots of rumblings and "goings-on" in the tummy - feel a bit like Pooh bear as well.  Oh my!
Slept very well again, despite the imaginary beach ball in my stomach.

(8)    DAY EIGHT - Thursday, May 22, 2008

Thank God, the beach ball has gone - several BMs this morning.
Nothing unusual to report except that both hubby and I have enough natural gas to fly a Boeing 747 from here to Honolulu!
One thing that is INCREDIBLE:  I have not craved for or eaten chocolate since I began this cleanse.  I find this quite amazing as I used to eat chocolate on a daily basis.

(9)     DAY NINE - Friday, May 23, 2008

Feels so good to be regular!  This is the ninth day in a row that my body is releasing chocolate hostages on a regular basis! 
I do believe that my love handles are shrinking - ooh-la-la!
I have now incorporated the excellent habit of drinking 8 glasses of pure water per day and I can see the change in my skin and feel it in my body - I just feel "cleaner".
When I take my tea at night, which I still love, I actually look forward to the following morning’s routine of Paranil and the fibre drink - in fact, Hubby and I have made a ritual out of it and we sit in the living room and discuss the agenda for the day.
Then we both head to the Loo and come out smiling.  I’m lovin’ this stuff!

(10)  DAY TEN - Saturday, May 24, 2008

My friends email, call and visit me, asking for updates!  They’re all dying to try the detox, but they want to be assured that they will survive.  Given that I am still alive, their curiosity is at a peak!
Hubby says a few aliens appeared and he described the ungodly creatures in detail.  I shall spare you the details but I am a little disappointed as I haven’t been blessed with the expulsion of any UFOs to date.
However, this monumentous event for Hubby has challenged our initial skepticism - we highly doubted that either of us had "parasites" as described by the professionals at drnatura.  That is, until today.
Well, to each his own, we continue in hope.
I feel refreshed each day, I look forward to our daily walks and I am more positive than I have ever been!  And yes, I attribute this refreshing feeling to the detox, even though we’re only on day 10.

(11)   DAY ELEVEN - Sunday, May 25, 2008

Nothing unusual to report really.  Regular BMs.

(12)   DAY TWELVE - Monday, May 26, 2008

Woke up with a heckuva headache.  Resisted the temptation to take "something" for it.  Instead I drank two glasses of water.
Headache lasted throughout the day - I read that this is normal when toxic waste is being passed from the body, so I accepted it and kept drinking water.
Just before bed some strange BMs - definitely similar in description to the testimonials on drnatura.com where people describe the mucoidal plaque being eliminated.  God help us!  But it’s all good - I just know that I am going to feel so much healthier once this detox is over!

Slept well.  Headache gone. However, the beach ball feeling is back.  I will need to drink lots of water today.
Felt strange all day.  Hubby says it’s because the aliens living in my colon are resisting eviction.  Whatever - I just want this OVER!
My hubby reminded me that we were supposed to be taking 4 Paranil capsules and 1.5 teaspoons of the fibre mix after DAY 6.  (Talk about being blonde!)
So, we upped the doseage, and now I know why I’m feeling so bloated.
I still haven’t had one craving for chocolate - it’s been incredible. 
My nails are stronger and my hair shinier - something’s going well.
A good friend wrote and asked for details of what to expect as they are on day three of their detox.  I played Nurse for a while and reminded him of the instruction booklet!
A girlfriend called and told me she has lost 5 pounds in two weeks - that’s amazing.  And she didn’t change her diet or exercise routine, she just did her usual morning walk.
Okay, so I’m looking forward to losing at least 15 pounds of alien inhabitation and once they have been evacuated, we are going to have a DETOX party here in Whistler!
Imagine, we could invite all our colleagues who joined us on the detox and talk non-stop about our BMs and how much  better we feel while we sip our fibre drinks!
I am quite sure that Rowan Atkinson would love to come to that party!

(14)    DAY FOURTEEN  - Wednesday,  May 28, 2008

I feel like a hot-air balloon that is about to LIFT OFF and be propelled at light speed into the atmosphere.
Holy Cannoli!  Hubby is having a whale of a time expelling hot air!  (I told him he was full of it!)
Honestly, the wildlife around here hardly visits anymore since Hubby has let loose - We used to be graced with the presence of raccoons, squirrels, robins and other dandy animals, but once they got a whiff of Hubby standing on the balcony, word spread fast and they avoid our place altogether.  God knows what is going to happen to the plantlife in our garden!

(15)     DAY FIFTEEN - Thursday, May 29, 2008

Okay, now I feel like the Zeppelin or the Hindenburg - something has got to "give" soon!
We’re on the increased doseage which is supposed to kick in after 6 days, so we’re a little behind. 
From now on I am convinced that our adventures will become more shocking.
My husband says he is concerned about the porcelain bowl in my toilette - he said that I should be careful not to "chip it" when I had to "go"!  Goodness, gracious me!
Who knows what tomorrow will bring???

(16)    DAY SIXTEEN - Friday, May 30, 2008

Woke up feeling grateful to have made it through the night! 
I was a little smarter than usual last evening - I drank my tea with the tea-bag still steeping inside.
And God above, did it ever work!
Hubby has been laying cable all day and I have been chipping porcelain for most of the day.
Between us we have both been to the Loo at least 9 times with significant BMs! 
Thank goodness we work from a home office or else our colleagues would have been in hysterics and wearing gas masks.
Anyway, no Unidentified Floating Objects to report, but one thing is for certain:  we aren’t as full of shit as we used to be!

 (17)   DAY SEVENTEEN - Saturday, May 31, 2008

Thank goodness the bloating has all but disappeared
BMs are between 3 and 5 per day!
Everyone says I am glowing - well ain’t that peachy!

(18)   DAY EIGHTEEN - Sunday, June 01, 2008

Sat on the throne for most of the day.
Hubby says things have to get better soon or else he’s kicking in the towel.  I encouraged and reminded him that some people only see results after a month - we have two months to go and I ain’t giving up anytime soon
In fact, I’ve decided to go to gym after our morning walks - that is a major breakthrough for me
Feeling good physically and mentally and having a lot of fun with friends and family joking about all of this!
Today I saw my good friend and she said that apart from my belly - I was "shrinking"! Okay.

(19)   DAY NINETEEN - Monday, June 02, 2008

Same old, same old…. except that my clothes are a little looser?
Received an encouraging email from one of our beloved Canadian Forces in the Navy - JJ - This is what he had to say:
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer’s invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane g as. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you ca n see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term ‘Ship High In Transit’ on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ‘ S.H.I.T ‘ , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries & is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
Jolly funny, Old Man!  Thanks for the inspiration.

(20)     DAY TWENTY - Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Still waiting for the "aliens" to evacuate. 
Loving the tea.

(22)     DAY THIRTY - Friday, June 13, 2008

Okay, TOXINOUT arrived - Boy are we excited!
The Toxinout itself is a "Heavy Metal/Toxin Removal and Liver Detox Support.  It is designed to assist the removal of lead, mercury and other toxins from the body, while detoxifying the blood, liver, kidneys and other organs.
The DetoxiGreen has vitamins, minerals, enzymes, amino acids and green phytofoods (huh?) and is designed to replenish the nutrients lost due to "body pollution".
The Flora Protect is a daily probiotic supplement that protects the intestinal flora.   I imagine that my liver is quite toxic from the good life in South Africa and Italy, so that must explain the pasty white hue on my face and the waves of nausea.  My liver’s saying, "Uh-oh, time to flush out all that good Barolo, the Amstel, Moet Chandon, Amarone and espresso - not to mention the Tiramisu, the caviar and the double-thick cream.  Hopefully I’ll make it through the night!
  www.drnatura.com

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Well, my girlfriend Fiona Zimmel has been following my journey through Colonic Cleanse City and she finds it hilarious.  I haven’t had much sympathy from her because having two young sons, she spends most of her days changing diapers and having to dispose of the stuff.

She does like to rub it in though, and this is her latest contribution to our detox -the-bowel-mission.  I’m thinking that one of Fi’s guy friends helped her with this one. Moms, you are going to relate to this one!

1.      THE GHOST POOP -   The kind where you feel poop come out, see poop on the toilet >>>>paper,but there’s no poop in the bowl.
2.     THE CLEAN POOP
>>    The kind where you feel poop come out, see poop  in the bowl, but there’s
>>    no poop on the toilet paper.
3.     THE WET POOP
>>    You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
>>    putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t
>>    ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
4.     THE SECOND WAVE POOP
>>    This happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees,
>>    and you suddenly realize you have to poop some more.
5.     THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOP
>>    Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poop".
>>    You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
6.     THE CORN POOP
>>    No explanation necessary.
7.     THE LINCOLN LOG POOP
>>    The kind of poop that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down
>>    without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
8.     THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POOP
>>    The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
>>    It’s most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
>>    toilet bowl after you flush.
9.     THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOP" POOP-
>>    The kind where you want to poop, but even after straining your guts out,
>>    all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
10.   THE WET CHEEKS POOP
>>    Also known as the "Power Dump".  That’s the kind that comes out of your
>>    ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
11.   THE LIQUID POOP
>>    That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
>>    splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
>>    chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
12.    THE MEXICAN FOOD POOP
>>    A class all its own.
13.   THE CROWD PLEASER
>>    This poop is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
>>    show it to someone before flushing.
14.   THE MOOD ENHANCER
>>    This poop occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
>>    allowing you to be your old self again.
15.   THE RITUAL
>>    This poop occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
>>    the aid of a newspaper.
16.   THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOP
>>    A poop so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
17.   THE AFTERSHOCK POOP
>>    This poop has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
>>    within the next 7 hours is affected.
18.   THE "HONEYMOON’S OVER" POOP
>>    This is any poop created in the presence of another person.
19.   THE FLOATER
>>    Characterized by its floatability, this poop has been known to
>>    resurface after many flushings.
20.   THE PHANTOM POOP
>>    This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
>>    putting it there.
21.  THE PEEK-A-BOO POOP
>>    Now you see it, now you don’t.  This poop is playing games with
>>    you.  Requires patience and muscle control.
22.  THE BOMBSHELL
>>    A poop that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
>>    inappropriate to poop (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
>>    are nowhere near pooping facilities.
BONUS POOPS
23.  THE SNAKE CHARMER
>>    A long skinny poop which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
>>    position - usually harmless.
24.  THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOP
>>    This poop may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
>>    woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
25.  THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOP
>>    An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
>>    God when you actually CAN’T poop..
26.  PREMEDITATED POOP.
>>    Laxative induced.  Doesn’t count.
27.  SHITZOPHRENIA
>>    Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
28.  THE "I THINK I’M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY RECTUM" POOP
>>    Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poops. The shape and size
>>    of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
>>    the rectum for some time afterwards.
29.  THE PORRIDGE POOP
>>    The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
>>    have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
>>    your butt while you sit there helpless.
30.  THE "I’M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOP
>>    When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
>>    rectum on the way out in the morning.
31.   THE "I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOP
>>    Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
>>    off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.

Thanks to Fiona for sharing that fascinating info with us.And I bet you’ll gather some fans at the drnatura.com website!  Oh, and Fi, hubby says you really know your shit!!

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1. Make a list of all the people, from when you were little, who inspired you, taught you something important, loved you, hugged you or treated you with respect.
2. In fact, it often happens that someone who was your number-one enemy in your past could have taught you some of your most important lessons - if you have been honest enough with yourself!
3. Look up your old friends and connections on Facebook, Yahoo, Google, MySpace or Gaia.com - (you never know, they could have become spiritual in the meantime!)
4. Write to them honestly and thank them for whatever they meant to you.  If they write back and acknowledge you, take it from there.  Ask yourself whether it would serve you or them to continue a friendship or just show gratitude and move on.  [Be assured that I am NOT advocating looking up old boyfriends or girlsfriends and causing havoc in their lives.  This action must come from the right place - a place of gratitude and mature sharing - or else don’t even think about it!]
5. Send them photos of you, your children and what you’ve been up to and ask for some in return.  I know when I received photos of my friend’s children I just packed up bawling.  I was so moved and thrilled to see a mini-version of them - to see that they had co-created a miracle!
6. I guarantee if you shoot from the heart and are honest, you could give them a lift - whatever happens, it is always wonderful to acknowledge someone and let them know how special they were or are to you.
7. Find out when their Birthday is and send them cards or a message.
8. Some people are meant to be in your life for a little while, others for longer, and still others -forever.   So don’t become too attached to the outcome or reaction from the other person.  They may be going through hell, or simply have forgotten you - don’t take it personally - just put the good thoughts out there and then let it go, get on with what you were doing.
9. Send them flowers or a hug on Facebook.
10. Dedicate a song or video to them on Facebook
11. Check out where they used to live and where you used to hang out on Google Maps - it’ll bring back lots of memories.
12. If they’re on Skype and you’re on Skype, you can talk to each other through a mic or through your video cam transmission.
13. Congratulate them on their successes and show empathy for their disappointments. If you can’t find it in you to feel or do this, give it up, or get some therapy!  Write to me, I know lots of great therapists all around the world!  (No, don’t ask me why!)
14. Something very special happens when you are kind to someone and acknowledge them for being a person who meant or means something to you.  You encourage their hearts and that’s a good thing!
15. Tell them news about your life - if you haven’t seen each other for years, it will be like a breath of fresh air to them.
16. DO NOT unload your bags of manure on them - that’s where the therapist comes in - your friends are there to love you and support you if they are in a position to do so.
17. If you are able to, send them flowers, a book or something small and precious in the mail.
18. If not, send them a letter - it means so much to receive a hand-written letter these days.
19. Write them a poem of thanks.
20. Phone them once a month and chat with them if you know this is mutually beneficial.
21. Remember their children’s birthdays and send money or a card.
22. Give them a typical Jewish blessing - No, they don’t have to be Jewish!  May you want for nothing in life.  May your heart always be filled with joy and gratitude, even in times of despair.  May your family want for nothing and may there always be enough food in your house to feed your guests.  May your business prosper and may your children’s future be prosperous.  May you live a fulfilled life on earth and when you arrive in Heaven, may you enjoy a seat at God’s table.  Amen & Mazeltov!

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1. This is a blessing, and means good health to your belly button, but the general meaning is that your whole system should stay healthy and be in good shape. It’s a colorful, preposterous way of making a profound point: Because your life started with your belly button, it’s the center of your entire being.
2. To wish health to your belly button has a lot of meaning because Jews are always concerned about good health. When a Jew says “goodbye,” he never just says “goodbye,” but also wishes gezunt, which is health, and that you should be strong and able to plant trees, to put up buildings, to cross streets faster than anybody, to sit longer, to climb higher, and to dance better.
3. You can’t walk away from a Jew you’ve met on the street without listening to blessings upon blessings. Even if you’ve visited someone in his home for ten seconds, the blessings take an hour and a half.
4. They will follow you out the door blessing you: “And God should give you more pillows, more quilts, more salt shakers, more sodium, more carbohydrates."
5. " God should give you more chairs, more tables, you should have more furniture to sit on, more food to eat, more forks to eat with, more feet to walk on, more places to go, more people to see…..”
6. Jews have to protect each other from common problems as well as things nobody ever even heard of; “You shouldn’t know from unhappiness, you shouldn’t know from sadness. And even if you’re hurt you shouldn’t feel pain. And if you feel the pain it should go away in a second. "
7. "If somebody calls you names, you shouldn’t hear."
8. You shouldn’t know from strong winds, from loud voices, from noisy rooms, from hysterical wives, from fat cockroaches, from slow trains, from jumpy elevators."
9. You shouldn’t know from anybody grabbing you, from anybody robbing you, from anybody chasing you, from anybody cursing you, from people screaming at you, from people looking at you"
10. “You should never know from a bad toenail, from a bad tooth, from an earache, from a dirty finger, from a transplanted kidney, from tight shoes.
11. “You should only know from the best butcher, the best plumber, the best dentist, the best foot doctor.
12. In case you walk to the store you should never know from swollen feet. In case you have to buy something you should never have trouble with your credit card. You should never know from a bad heart, and only your enemies should suffer from heartburn. You should never know from congestion. You should never suffer from irritation or constipation. You should never leave the house without Maalox.
13. “You should always have love in your heart, goodness in your soul, and you should only know from kindness, from love, from sex appeal.
14. “You should always have the best pound cake, you should never have static on you television set."
15. "The goodness of life should always be in your house. You rich relatives should always know who you are, and your poor relatives should never be able to find you.”
16. All of this comes when you belly button is healthy.
17. When an Italian says goodbye, he wished you only one thing — a long life. It’s not like a Jew who is worried about your total well-being. An Italian is concerned that you’re going to die not from bad health but from somebody killing you. That’s why he always ask, “Is anybody bothering you?’ He’s going to protect you. You’re not in jeopardy of just losing your health, you might also lose your life, or at least get your legs broken. So the Italian is always offering protection, and the protection is usually from himself because he hates it if somebody else would break your legs.
18. Jews don’t offer you protection from people, they offer you protection from God. Jews deal only with God; that’s how Jews are different from other people. Jews convince themselves that if you can get God on your side, then you have nothing to worry about.
19. They say, “God should protect you. God should give you health and happiness. May God be with you.” They always start with God.
20. “May God watch over you. May God help you climb the stairs. May God let you get proper rest.” They’re always trying to protect you from the wrath of God, not protecting you from the wrath of another human being.
21.  Jews are always telling you in their blessing how long to live. Every Jew tells you you should live to be 120. But there’s always a Jew who says you can live to 150. Some other Jew tops that. He says, “You should live forever. You should never die. Everybody else should drop dead except you.” It’s always $3,000 worth of blessings for every two-cents worth of conversation.
22.  I never saw a gentile wish you good health and strength and happiness for three hours. Gentiles say, “I’ll see you.” Or, “So long.” Or, “Best of luck to you.” “Same to you.” The best of luck is the most a gentile ever offers you. As for children and grandchildren, gentiles just wish each other luck. When a gentile says “Good luck,” he thinks he includes everything and the case is closed. But a Jew is always wishing luck on the children and grandchildren and the great-grandchildren. They don’t care of they have these children or not. They’re wishing you luck just in case you have them, in case you know anybody else who has them…

From the outstanding website, "Talking Jewish" 

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I just can’t stop singing this man’s praises - of course, his wife deserves a medal as well.  These two blessed people WORK at their marriage.  For them marriage is the ultimate investment.  I have read Mort’s articles, studied his program and I truly believe that this is the answer to all the questions and problems that those of you who believe your marriage is failing, are having.

What have you got to lose?  Try this before you try anything silly….

Unlike other relationship experts who approach the topic from a clinical perspective, for me saving marriages is very personal

My wife and I were deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.

But then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he was one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.

Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? Or maybe you can’t put your finger on why things aren’t right anymore. That’s common too.

For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.

Somewhere deep in our heart though, like you, we knew we didn’t want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn’t. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn’t. Sometimes we tried together. We went through different stages of "trying."

What did we try?

We tried the obligatory, "Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I understood you correctly." We applied conflict resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to counseling to wrestle with our problems. But guess what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.

Because all the advice we got (books, counselors…whatever) asked us to confront our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.

As long as the "right" way wasn’t working, why not be dysfunctional? So we tried to convince each other of our way. You tried that too, right? Obviously, that doesn’t work.

Finally, we had a breakthrough.

We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS. We didn’t talk about them at all. We didn’t bring them up even once. Instead, we put our energy into trying to connect. We used certain relationship techniques that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences; we fell in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were), but by establishing new relationship habits that brought positive energy to our marriage.

This is the solution to most marital situations—to "step away" from your problems and spend your time and energy building your relationship through positive actions. If you do this RIGHT, your problems will dissipate, the threat of divorce will go away, and the other people invading your marriage will become irrelevant. Slowly but surely you will come closer together again.

Now you’re probably wondering, “How do I stay away from the very problems that plague me? What healthy habits or relationship techniques can bring us closer together? And what if my spouse doesn’t cooperate?” That’s EXACTLY what I’ll teach you. I’ll answer those questions and more so you get the results you want. Let me be more specific. Here’s what you’ll learn when you order Marriage Fitness Home-Flex™: 

1. How to snap out of destructive patterns of behavior
2. How to stop dwelling on the past and start moving forward
3. How to get over old hurt
4. How to restore trust
5. How to deal with a stubborn spouse (“Lone Ranger” track–see below)
6. What to do if your spouse is trying to control you
7. 7 daily acts that will rebuild love in your marriage
8. 5 weekly habits that will soften your marital environment
9. 2 monthly acts that will restore romance between you
10.  How to get your spouse to change
11. How to resolve money conflicts
12. How to fight amicably
13. The 4 primary principles of LASTING love
14. How to survive (and thrive) after an affair
15. How to become a team rather than 2 individuals
16. How to make decisions together
17. How to get YOUR needs met
18. How to connect with an emotionally absent spouse
19. How to keep the small things small
20. How to relieve anger and resentment
21. How to tickle your spouse’s soul
22. How to avoid pointing fingers and reciprocal blame
     FIND OUT HOW NOW!

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HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRIED THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of my seminars, a woman asked me a
question. She said, "How do I know if I married
the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next
to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your
husband?"

In all seriousness, how do you know?

Here’s the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning,
you fell in love with your spouse. You
anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and
liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In
fact, it was a completely spontaneous
experience. You didn’t have to DO anything.
That’s why it’s called "falling" in love - because
it’s happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my
feet." Think about the imagery of that
expression. It implies that you were just
standing there; doing nothing, and then something
came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and
spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria
of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY
relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls
become a bother (if they come at all), touch is
not always welcome (when it happens), and your
spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,
drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every
relationship, but if you think about your
marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference
between the initial stage when you were in love
and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start
asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as
you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love you once had, you may begin to desire
that experience with someone else. This is when
marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse
for their unhappiness and look outside their
marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and
sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But
sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a
friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie
outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love
with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY
you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same
situation a few years later. Because (listen
carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN
MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S
LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous
experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You
can’t "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it
day in and day out. That’s why we have the
expression "the labor of love." Because it takes
time, effort, and energy. And most importantly,
it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to
make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love
is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you
can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed
with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe
(such as gravity), there are also laws for
relationships. Just as the right diet and
exercise program makes you physically stronger,
certain habits in your relationship WILL make
your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and
effect. If you know and apply the laws, the
results are predictable - you can "make" love.

Marriage Fitness a step-by-step system for making
and maintaining love in your marriage. And the
program works for any marriage even if only one
spouse does it.

So what’s your first step?
Find out here…

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I just love this man and what he is doing to help save marriages all over the world…

Mort Fertel has been a featured expert on ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, and the Fox News Network. He is also a frequent guest on talk radio programs. His breakthrough program, Marriage Fitness, appeared in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, and the Toronto Sun .

Mort’s Marriage Fitness program is endorsed by marriage counselors, therapists, relationship experts, and mental health professionals. And he has helped save thousands of marriages.

WHAT TIME IS IT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE?

Many people think that life’s only goal is to be happy. I don’t think so. Have you ever been to a funeral? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time to be sad. Did you ever take the SAT’s, the MCAT’s, or any other important entrance test? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time for intensity. Have you ever waited for test results from a medical exam? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time to worry. Have you ever encountered a lot of turbulence on an airplane? That’s not a time to be happy. It’s a time to be scared.

The goal of life is NOT to be happy. The goal of life is to know what time it is. “Everything has its season. And there is a time for everything under the heaven.”

“A time to be born and a time to die.”

“A time to weep and time to laugh.”

 “A time to wail and time to dance.”

 “A time to rend and time to mend.”

 “A time to be silent and a time to speak.”

 “A time to love and a time to hate.”

 “A time for war and a time for peace.”

 What time is it for you? If you’re reading this, then maybe it’s time to renew your marriage. If so, then subscribe to Mort’s FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get his FREE marriage assessment. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Mort Fertel is the Author of "Marriage Fitness" and a Certified Marriage Coach

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Helen and I made a decision together about 4 days ago to drastically change our lifestyles so that our families are eating as much organic produce as possible, following regular colon cleansing and other cleansing routines, exercising together and committing to a holistic natural change.

As soon as the colon cleanse program arrives we will journal the before, during and after results - should make for fascinating reading.

So far, we have implemented the following 22 new ways to a naturally healthy body and lifestyle for our families:

1. Walking for 30 minutes every day, building up to one hour per day.
2. Jumping on the trampoline for 10 minutes each day.
3. Drinking a cup of warm water with lemon juice upon rising in the morning.
4. For Breakfast: drinking a liquified blend of 2 cupsOrganic Vanilla Soya Milk, 1 tbsp Flax seeds, a pinch of cayenne pepper, juice of half an organic lemon, 1 organic apple, 1 prganic banana or pear, 2 Tbsps of Organic Maple Syrup, 1 tablespoon of pure organic virgin coconut oil.  Blended until smooth.
5. Going to bed at 10pm and waking up at 6am and then going for a walk.
6. Keeping positive by inspiring and encouraging each other through daily walks, talks and emails.
7. Measuring the results along the way and journaling how our thoughts and bodies are reacting.
8. Getting rid of all non-organic foodstuff, household cleaners, shampoos, conditioners, make up and deoderants.
9. Using natural oils and candles to perfume our homes and soothe our senses.
10. Buying ear candles and helping each other with the procedure.
11. Buying a shower filter from www.naturalcures.com
12. Buying a water filter system from www.naturalcures.com
13. If constipation has set in or sets in, using a mild natural organic herbal laxative tea.
14. Stretching with Hatha Yoga after waking up in the morning and before going to bed at night.
15. Keeping a Gratitude Journal and make at least 2 entries every day.
16. Changing our partners and children’s routines to incorporate only organic produce and daily walking and limiting time spent in front of the computer and TV.
17. We have both committed to taking our microwave ovens to the recycling station and bidding them "ADIOS"!
18. We have committed to eating chocolate once per week and then only 80% dark organic chocolate.
19. Drinking a glass of good red or white wine with dinner.
20. Listening to soothing music throughout the day and while we are preparing dinner
21. Soothing our hubbies and our families with our happy smiles as we go through our days.
22. Laughing from the belly!

Please check our website as the Colon Clease Journal is bound to be hilarious, exciting, scary, weird and most definitely entertaining!

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22Ways.net is an interactive website where you can find articles, comments, advice, reviews, ebooks and other products which are designed to provide assistance, support and guidance for your fundamental and unique challenges, your questions and your goals.

I have spent many years compiling books that address your concerns, questions or need for knowledge by indicating 22 Ways that will lead you closer to an answer, an achievement, enlightenment, a connection or an understanding.

Each book or article is specific, and the best thing about this is that when you purchase an ebook at $7.00US, 25% will go directly to the specific charity or organization that is designated in that publication and 25% will be split and paid out to the 10 co-authors of each compilation book .

Happy reading and happy writing! 

Helen Silver-Goldstein and Lisa Haeck, Whistler, British Columbia, Canada

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